Confidence is not an "either-or". It's not something we're born with or without. Only our experiences can influence our own self-confidence That, my friends, is where parenting can do a world of good.
So how do we raise confident children? Based on my observations and many conversations with parents over the years mixed with a bit of personal experience, I suggest trying a few if not all of the following things.
1. Allow Kids To Take Ownership of Homework Struggles
While whether or not to assign homework is a hot topic in education right now, the fact is that we can use homework as a tool for helping our children be self-advocates.Too many times, parents tell me of the arguments and tear fests that ruin an evening because the homework is "too hard." What's the worst thing we can do as parents? One is to yell at our children about how to do the work or force them to finish. The other is emailing the teacher on their behalf. Please don't do either of these, I beg you.
Instead try this: Have your child write their teacher a brief note explaining what exactly they're stuck on. I encourage my students to do so on a brightly colored Post-It Note and stick it right on the homework page. I recommend these lined Post-Its for added neatness. This encourages students to approach their teachers with a specific question.
Even if the homework is unfinished, trust me when I say teachers will appreciate the students' ability to communicate what's frustrating them. In turn, students' confidence often soars once they see that they can get the help they need if only they advocate for themselves. Give it a try and let me know how it goes in the comments below!
2. Give Your Child Responsibilities Around the House
We all hated chores as kids, right? Even so, I believe they're a vital part of helping children become more confident in themselves. When they help out around the house, there are opportunities for learning responsibility and self-reliance, two things that unfortunately the younger generation tends to lack a bit nowadays. Not to fear! Chores are here to help!
The more children are able to see themselves as people who are capable of tackling responsibilities successfully, the more their self-confidence grows.
So let them set the table or take out the trash! Groans are bound to happen, but they'll be grateful in the long run.
3. Set Boundaries
Believe it or not, kids like having boundaries in place.It gives them a sense of safety and lets them know you care. So when they do make mistakes, (and they will) they know exactly what went wrong and can talk to you about how to avoid doing that same thing in the future. This builds their self-confidence as they learn how to make better choices.
It's the same concept as those all-important training wheels. Leave them on too long, and your child never learns to fall. Take them off too soon and they may be too afraid to try again.
When kids know we're there to support them, but still have the opportunity to fail, they're better able to cope with disappointments and get back on the bike more confidently each time.
4. Allow Them to Work Through Their Own Problems
We love our kids so much that we hate to see them struggle. Our first instinct is sometimes to fix the problem for them. Please don't do this!You may be helping them in the short-term, but solving every little issue robs them of the opportunity to learn how to deal with tough times on their own.
(For more on this topic, check out Should I Email The Teacher About This? Encouraging Self-Advocacy).
Instead, be encouraging! Have conversations with them! Maybe rehearse what to say to the person(s) they're struggling to talk it out with before they approach anyone. All of this will help them feel more confident as they face the problem seemingly on their own, although they know we're there for them 100%.
Of course, if the problem is more serious than a scuffle with friends in class or a poor grade on a test, step in as needed.
5. Be Real
Last but certainly not least, BE REAL with your kids.Especially once they're about 8-9 years old, kids appreciate hearing the truth from you. I'm not suggesting you tell them everything and anything about the world. Use your judgment. But when possible, speak to your children like they're adults.
Kids pick up on our cues. If we treat them like babies, they'll act that way when a situation arises. On the flip side, if we're honest with them and show them how we handle different struggles, they're more likely to confidently take on challenges themselves in the future.
So let's review! Here are 5 ways you can help your child be more self-confident:
- Allow them to take ownership of things like homework struggles
- Give them responsibilities
- Set clear boundaries
- Give them a chance to work through their own issues
- Be honest and real with them
I'd love to hear your thoughts on this topic! Feel free to leave a comment below to share your experiences with any or all of these strategies.
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